BTWG 2013 a new start

Well, here goes. I've been telling Chris that I'd get a blog going for a few weeks now and I'm finally getting around to it.  Well, that's not quite true. I've actually put a lot of time and energy into thinking about getting a blog going.  But I've had the convenient excuse that my work issued laptop has some administrative control on it that won't allow me to update some software that currently won't allow me to log in and publish my blog directly from my laptop AND my home  computer is very inconvenient.  I've recently moved and I don't have a desk yet.  My PC is setting on a low coffee table which isn't deep enough for me to set my keyboard on it.  So, I have to set back away from the computer and hold the keyboard on my lap and then my old eyes can't read the print on the screen...... So it's very difficult to use.  Enough excuses?  No?  Well, OK.  Worst of all is that every time I set down to write this brilliant, insightful and inspiring blog all I can come up with is... well... pretty average........at best.

Well, it feels like some things came into focus for me this last week.  I was part of several unconnected conversations and I read a couple blogs that all dealt with expectations.  These are people (including myself) who were discussing how things weren't what we expected them to be.  The topics included the expectation to sit down to dinner with the family every night, expectations of being in better health, expectations of better physical conditioning, expectations of better finances, expectations of better relationships and expectations of being more focused on participating in the BTWG program.

I sat back and listened to myself and the others focusing on how we weren't living up to the expectations put on us by ourselves, by society, by our parents and our partners.  We were beating ourselves up for falling short of some vision we had of being the perfect parent or partner or even having that perfect Easter celebration.  We were apologizing and rationalizing for falling short.  As I listened to myself I wondered what I expected from the conversations.  Was I expecting forgiveness or validation or a plan for being better or....what?  I realized that we seem to discount so many things we do accomplish because it doesn't match our original vision or what we think someone expects of us.  We hold back on so many things we could accomplish because we might not meet somebody's expectation of how well we should do it.

Well, I give up.  I'm not going to be the brilliant and inspiring blogger that I had expected I be.  Instead of waiting for the perfect execution of the perfect blog idea I'm just going to toss my thoughts out there and maybe someone will find something useful in them.

I also know that I'm not going to be the perfect BTWG'er that I had expected I would be.  I haven't held to my nutritional goals throughout the last 5 weeks.  I've missed a couple workouts completely and I've slacked on a couple of the workouts that I have done..... But ya know, I can't change that now.  So I'm going to let those go and I'm going to quit worrying about whether I can find the time and energy for tomorrow's strength training.  Instead I'm going to do today's aero workout as close to the program as I can.  If I can't do 5 sets.... oh well.... if I only do 4 sets then those 4 sets will be the best 4 sets I can do and I'm not gonna give that 5th set another thought.

And when it comes to that 9PM peanut butter craving I'm going to skip it tonight... just tonight.  I can't be and don't need to be spending energy tonight worrying about being perfect tomorrow.  I'll work on tomorrow tomorrow. 

Who knows I might exceed my expectations.  OH WAIT!  I'm letting go of those.

For what it's worth......

Days 3, 4, 5, and 6

Still at it.
The weekend proved very difficult and I see that I need to do more planning rather than just squeezing my meditation in before bed. That strategy works thru the week since my evening routine is fairly well set.  However, my weekend evenings  tend to be a little less structured and bedtime may be tomorrow.
This weekend I did the minimum to be able to say I am still on track for 365.    Six hours in the ER meant I had to be creative to get my Sat night sitting in.  Well,  I Committ to doing better next weekend.

On another note I'm getting excited about starting the next round of BTWG.

Day 2

Twenty minute meditation last night. 

It's amazing what your mind will do to distract you. 
How an empty old farmhouse suddenly creaks and moans and pops.  I don't normally hear these sounds.  But when I'm sitting there trying to empty my mind and do nothing suddenly the old house comes alive.  OK Back to the breathe 1... 2.... 3...  Wow I can see a negative image of my eye on the back of my eyelid.... oops 4... 5.... 6....  or maybe I should have started over at 1.... 2.... I guess it doesn't matter  darnit   1.... 2..... 3.... 4...  I wonder if I should have just gone with the 30 day challenge instead of 365  darnit 1..... 2..... 3..... 4....  I really shouldn't get upset with this.  Just acknowledge it and go on. Rats I'm doing it again!  1.... 2.... 3.... OK! Tomorrow I lock the dogs out of the house before trying this.  I don't know what I was thinking leaving two dogs and two cats loose in the house while I try to meditate  1... 2...   WHAT?? That couldn't have been twenty minutes!

Day 1 Wed Jan 5th

Was so happy that my lovely daughter Lizzy joined me. We sat and meditated for 15 minutes last night.

The questions of a 10 year old can be so enlightening!

Meditation

There are those moments in life when you open your mouth and you immediately hope no one heard what you said.  I had the electronic version of one of those moments yesterday. 

I was reading Chris’ BTWG blog www.btwg.blogspot.com/ yesterday and about his commitment to meditating every day for the next 365.  I’ve done some meditation.  A couple of years ago Chris came to Lilly and we met early in the morning and meditated.  It was my first experience with meditation.  That was reinforced when I went thru the first BTWG class.  I feel an affinity to meditation but do find it difficult to “find the time”.  I find it difficult to let go of the feeling that I ought to be doing something.

I had read the first couple of his posts about meditating and the idea started bouncing around in my head…. Could I do it?   What’s so hard about sitting and doing nothing?  

Then I read his Day 4 post.  Long day, noisy house, frustration….it would have been so easy not to do it.  (That felt so familiar to me.)  But Chris dragged his butt to the cushion and did it!!  In a moment of over-exuberance I thought I’ll do it too!  So, I typed a quick little comment about how he had inspired me to do the same…….. then I set there with my finger on the “Submit” button….. I sat there for several minutes…. Not wanting to back down but afraid to commit.  I thought that maybe I would not post the commitment but would just try to do it on my own.  But, I realized that by doing that I was avoiding the commitment and allowing myself a quiet escape if I failed.   

Not this time. 

I commit to meditating a minimum of 10 minutes every day for the next 365.